Dear Parent of a teenager,

I am writing to you today as I am entering the tail end of my own teen years. I am writing to you from the perspective of a child on the verge of adulthood. I am writing from the perspective of an individual that has been reared by a Christian parent. As I look back, having a Christian parent allowed me a buffer if there was a conflict because of the faith we shared. That is not to say that we held hands and made daisy chains with each other or were always in each other’s good graces. We are human, so that’s practically impossible. But with faith comes patience and understanding that God gives us. Clashing with a parent and the guilt that follows as my hurtful words replay in my head is one of the hardest things I have dealt with throughout my teenage years. Forgiven but never forgotten. And how many times had I heard Proverbs 15,  “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)? And still have made that mistake. In retrospect, those constant reminders, as much as I detested hearing them, conditioned my thoughts to think before acting or speaking. They taught me to hold my tongue when all I wanted to do was give into the snide remarks swirling around in my head. The key was consistency. Constant subtle reminders, support, love, and patience. I can guarantee that your teen will abhor your corrections and commentary at that moment in time, but it will pass. Raging hormones and new environments are taxing on your teen emotionally, mentally, and physically. I would like to encourage you that when your teen is distant, angry, or what feels like eternally irritated with you, you’re not losing them. And oftentimes, all you can do is be there for them. I know that seems difficult when they are seemingly slipping through the cracks and you’re trying so hard to keep them close to you. But that is when you must trust God and uphold your unconditional love for your child. Be mindful of your child’s love language and make them feel loved in a way they understand. Many parents get caught up in trying to shape their children in the way they see fit. Kahlil Gibran expresses this beautifully in his poem On Children: 

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

  And he said:

  Your children are not your children.

  They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

  They come through you but not from you,

  And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

  You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

  For they have their own thoughts.

  You may house their bodies but not their souls,

  For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

  You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

  For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

  You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

  The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

  Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

  For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

You are co-parenting with God. He will keep your child safe from above and you will guide them from the earth. Do not be discouraged when things get rocky, but rather be consistent in your efforts because you are doing the best you can do. Your child will make their own decisions and make their own mistakes. But how else will they learn? As I look forward, I appreciate the efforts. They made me feel loved and kept me close. In Hebrews 12:11 Paul writes, “ At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it”. Your teen may not understand completely in the moment of trial or admonition, but as they mature and experience events that allow them to apply those lessons, they will realize the intention behind those rectifications. 

So dear Christian parent, please don’t be dishearted by your stubborn teen. Yes, it takes patience and is a tiresome, long-distance run, but God is with you. Joshua 1:9 says “ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go”. Trusting in God is the only way you will find true comfort in a time when you and your teen are at odds. Each struggle and every effort is another jewel on your crown waiting for you. God chose you for your child because He knows that you will do your very best for them. God does not make mistakes dear parent. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). 

With love and encouragement,

Maia Williams (Bianca’s totally tubular daughter)

Be excellent to each other