Family/Community Foundation: The basis by which we feel a sense of support and fellowship.

The moral foundation of our country is in danger of crumbling as families break up and parents neglect their responsibilities.

Billy Graham.

Dear Believer,

When I first began this post of 3 lessons, I initially thought it would be a quick one-page post. I thought this because it seemed like a simple response when I first asked my kids about it. I discovered early on that although simple in theory, it is difficult to go back and think through the years of child-rearing, forage through the many errors and failures, and find 3 morsels of the most impact. But even when those were found, condensing them into helpful points seemed impossible for blog-sized articles. But here we are…the last lesson. And although this one is placed last, I believe it is the building block upon which the other two can work. Our children come into this world helpless and vulnerable. They don’t know how the world can be. As their parents, we ARE their world. We are the first voice they hear, the first boundary holders, and the first book they read—the first layer of support. Then there can be siblings, grandparents, aunts, and uncles- more layers. These layers are not constrictive, they are layers of love and support that nurture and strengthen from the inside out. As children grow, their surrounding “tribe”, so to speak, gets larger- teachers, coaches, mentors, and church family. Now I know that families do not always look like this. Sometimes, there is only one parent. There are no siblings. Maybe grandparents are not in the picture. However it looks, what is essential is that those layers are there. (Please note: I will be using “our children” and “parents” not just in the primary sense, but also in the broader sense of family adults and family children)

Imagine a trapeze artist, high above the ground, walking carefully on the tight rope. They sometimes walk with objects in their hands, juggling and balancing so as not to fall below. Maybe they are swinging on a bar to and fro. They seem to fly so freely and confidently through the air above. But a lot of training and practice goes into this aerial art. In early training, there is protective gear to reduce the risk of injury, and there are “spotters” who closely observe the trainee and are ready to intervene if things go wrong. In addition, they attach harnesses on safety lines to minimize risks. And even with training, there is always a chance of an improper step or a misjudgment of movement. So, even with the removal of safety guards, there is a safety net below that is a permanent fixture no matter how skilled the artist is. The preparation they receive along with the safety net, gives them the confidence to go out and perform freely, fearlessly, and with faith. Similarly, we want our children to be well-prepared by giving them spiritual and moral foundations and training. But they must have the security and support of their tribe to practice and live out the lessons taught.

How can we be supportive?

I believe there are different levels of support to be given to children which are dependent on age, development, and necessity. And just as a trapeze artist begins with much protective gear and is removed with increased experience, children begin with a certain level of shielding that with time is reduced. And similarly, like aerial feats, the safety net is always there. Because no matter how old our children get, they will need their supportive netting. Below are some ways we can support the children in our lives.

• Providing for basic needs

“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” 1 Tim. 5:8

This may go without saying, but we must take care of first things first. The basics are not just room and board, it is an intentional care of our children’s physical, safety, and emotional needs. This may involve educating oneself on what is developmentally appropriate according to each age group. When I first got married, I did not and could not cook. Once my first child was born and was able to eat solid food, I couldn’t depend on Gerbers forever! I had to learn to feed my child food that would provide the vitamins and nutrients she needed. As they grow, get more active, participate in sports, etc. those nutrients may change and/or increase. We cannot pump our children with sugar and preservatives and let them stay up late and expect a well-rested and healthy child. The physical and physiological needs of our children must be met.

Beyond that, we provide boundaries to safeguard our children. It moves from car seats to holding their hands as we cross the street. From safe driving to safe friendships. Safety is not just physical. There are dangers and evils that are bombarding our kids left and right. Dangers at school, online/social media, when they start their first job, and in relationships. Bullying, stress, and abusive relationships are just a few. How can we keep them safe from all of this? As parents, we must stay educated and informed and keep the lines of communication open with our kids- no matter how old they are. This may sound harsh, but privacy is overrated. Too much privacy given to children is what closes communication and opens the door to predators. We have to be intentionally intrusive when it comes to our children. Their safety depends on it.

All of this is done with the fundamental need for love and belonging at its core. These basic emotional needs are sometimes neglected. Love is shown in the above ways, but they must be shown in deep emotional ways as well. There is a well-known study of ophan babies who were given food, water, and diapering without the nurturing and tenderness of much physical touch or communication. The results? They grew physically(though still smaller) but were severely stunted or disabled in their emotional, cognitive, and social development. Some studies have even shown that the lack of emotional care and stimulation causes negative changes in the brain. These are extreme examples. But there is something to be said about how important it is for parents to be purposeful in fulfilling emotional needs. So, take the time to listen, hug, kiss, and spend quality time with your children. Talk with them often. Tell them you love them unconditionally and show it.

• Protecting our Children- pray, advocate, intercede

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Matthew 18:6

Most people have heard of the fierceness of a mother bear with her cubs. I recently saw a clip of a much smaller female grizzly defending her two cubs against a large male grizzly on a cliff. It was quite extraordinary. In the beginning, it looked as though there would be an obvious winner. But she kept on and on until the predator was seen retreating. However, she didn’t go back to her cubs right away. She continued to stand guard- and no doubt would repeat this scenario over again. Is this how fiercely we protect our children? Are we on guard, ready to defend our children at any cost? It is not just in the physical realm our children need protection. As Christians, we are also fighting for their souls. “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” (Eph. 6:12).

We fight on our knees in prayers, pleadings, and tears for the protection of children. We pray alone, we pray together. Do they know you intercede daily to the LORD? Do they hear your prayers over them? Do they come to you as parents and grandparents to support them in this way? One of the blessings I have as a parent is having my children ask me to pray for them when they are leaving the house, are having difficulty, or need guidance in a situation. They know they can depend on me to be their spiritual support. It tugs at my heart as I write this now. But more than that, they know God is for them. And if God is for them, what can be against them? They have the love of their natural parents and family, but how great it is to have the love and support of their Heavenly Father!

Let us make sure, however, that our prayer is backed with action. We pray to the Father, but we are living in the world. God has given us the wisdom to make decisions that support and protect our children’s purity in body, heart, and soul. We are opting them out of the school curriculum which is against our beliefs. We are going to the administration if our child is getting bullied. We are saying no to events that can be dangerous. We are having hard conversations with them about their identity in Christ and subsequent behavior as such. We are proactive and on guard. That is our responsibility. That is the support they can trust and rest upon.

• Partnering and Persevering as a family of God

One last and important consideration: not only are our children family members by blood, but they are also family by rebirth.When we consider that our believing, born-again children are our fellow disciples, sharing the Kingdom of God with us, there is another beautifully deep layer of support. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. And all the Scriptures surrounding this concept apply to the children of our family. So as a mother and aunt, I am to apply those exhortations.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15

One of my favorite Spurgeon quotes on family says, “You are as much serving God in looking after your children, training them up in God’s fear, minding the house and making your household a church for God as you would be if you had been called to lead an army to battle for the Lord of Hosts.” I love this because it gives perspective. The reason we are to bring up our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, the reason we are to love them and support them is because we are serving the Lord. He has given us these wonderful gifts to be responsible for. We are his ambassadors here on earth to spread the gospel and make disciples. We make disciples to build up the church of Christ to do his work. So, raising children is no mere task. In fact, it is not a task at all. It is a calling and a mission from Almighty God. So when we are losing our cool and patience, remember to have compassion with your little brother in Christ. When your teen responds gruffly, forgive your sister in Christ. When your young adult child makes an unwise decision, gently restore them. Rejoice when they rejoice, mourn when they mourn. When hormones get them crazy, bear with them in love.

As their parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, we are their faithful pillars of support. We cheer them on and celebrate all the successes. We encourage, advise, and protect. And when hard times come, we are still there, their safety net. A listening ear, a loving correction, a long, tight hug. So, mom, dad, grandma, aunt, friend- this is a lesson a child may not always be taught in words, but they will definitely feel and know. And like that daring trapeze artist, will allow them to confidently do what others have feared to do. They will courageously live out their purpose with focus and endurance.
And don’t forget your children will always need you. No matter how old, no matter how far away. They will need your support, your wisdom, and your love. Always.

In Christ’s love,

Bianca

*A special thanks to my mom and dad. For heeding the command of the LORD and doing it with so much grace and love. The message of Christ will go far and wide, generation after generation because of your obedience. Thank you for still being my biggest supporters. Love you.